Dear Mag,

It be a lot comp-e-cat-er than Ogre know. All Ogre know, is that Ogre often called 'hard medded'. Ogre not know what that mean, but it sound imp-orb-ant. Ogre also know naps are good. If Ogre has BAD DAY, have nap. If Ogre lose arm, have nap. If Ogre get hurt in da head, have nap. It be better in the morning. Ogre be good as other Ogre. Den Ogre do what Ogre do best. Smash. Eat. Sleep. Gather things.

Don't forget naps!
Ogre

~~~

'Ear Ogre,

I dinnae ken half of whut ye be writin'. Whut's a lad to do? Do ye ken of any Ogre langage translatin' books? I asked mah friends, but they dinnae have a clue. Ach, they ken less than me, and cannae help.

Oh, how do ye Ogre like yer ship? Me, I like dat ship sloow roasted over teh fire, but do ye ken any ooder recipes?

Awatin' ye reply,
'Anonymous' Mac Nac Feegle (We dinnae give our names oot)

Dear funny-talking man,

For yur furst kwestion, Ogre has little use for books unless for make fire. Books burn nice and hot on cold night. Only book Ogre has use for is "Fung Shway Da Ogre Way" now on shelves pleese buy dis book so Ogre get "royaltees." It make gud Mama's Day present! I offer bulk disskownt on 10 or more free shipping. Will include Gruntpoot as bonus! You must have! Buy Now! Buy or Ogre Smash!

Okay, for sekund kwestion, Ogre had to go to Urban Dikshunarry to find out more on "Ship." "Ship" have many defenishuns. Last defenishun is Ship means same as what Ogre leave on ground sometime after big meal. You know, da stinky stuff. Lissen here funny-talking man, Ogre No Eat Ship! You eat Ship?? You disgust Ogre. Ogre now go on Facebook and unfrend you now, creepy disgusting funny-talking Ship-eater.

Shocked,
Ogre



Dear Ogre,

Do you find the depiction of your kind in the "Shrek" series of movies to be accurate and exemplary, or inaccurate and offensive?

Regards,
Leonard Maltin

Dear Leonard
Shrek very nice Ogre and that why he is loser married to fake Ogress dealing with stupid food problems. Shrek act just as depicted I eat food. Saving food kingdom waste of time. I smash things too, it lots of fun. I beat Shrek in arm wrestle. Tore arm right off he needed nap. He needs lots of naps. Oh one thing depicted wrong in Shrek movies. Even Shrek never bathe. No Ogre bathe. Bathing cause bad stuff.

Not bathing
Ogre

----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ogre,
Where can I pick up one of your books?

Sincerely
Needing Gruntpoot NOW Must Have!

Dear Valued Customer,

Thank you for your interest in Ogre's book, "Fung Shway Da Ogre Way." This volume is available at all major booksellers and at amazon.com. Please take advantage of our bulk discounts as Ogre's book is sure to be a treasured gift for your loved ones. If you purchase with amazon.com, the publisher will make a charitable contribution on your behalf to combat the monstrous Black Pudding growing in The Dragonmere Gulf off the coast of Cormyr. Your Gruntpoot will arrive separately, encased in a numbered lead box. Act quickly for lower serial numbers.

Warm Regards,
TukTuk, Goblin Agent of Ogre

TukTuk, Goblin Agent of Ogre
Mythic Rare
Legendary Creature--Goblin Rogue
1RRR
3/4

Haste, First Strike

Tap this creature, put a Gruntpoot token on target opposing creature. Tap creatures with Gruntpoot tokens at the beginning of each upkeep.



Dear Ogre,
Why does Dragonlance get three moons, and we only have one? That's not fair!!!

Poutingly Yours,
First Edition Curmudgeon

There!

Happy, now?

Luv,
Ogre

~*~*~*~*~

Dear Ogre,

While it isn't unusual for folk of your kind to gain certain levels of fame and notoriety, it is somewhat peculiar that an ogre finds any sort of success in the arena of communications. What led you to and how do you quantify your success in the field of advice columnist?

Curiously yours,
Fudgefinger Wigglesworth

Dear Fudgy,

I ate the competition.

Ogre

====================================

Dear Ogre,

I have been following you for a while, but these past few columns have been rude crude and socially unacceptable. Please return to your past ways and bring some dignity back to the column.

Concerned Fan

Dear Concerned Fan

No

Ogre


*Ogre farts and scratches his bum*
____________________

Dear Ogre

What do you think of a certain duel wielding drow?

Twinkle and Icengdeath

Dear Twinkie and Icecream,

I kno dis drow. He has a sick sense of humor. He hit me wit his weppons and we laugh as I heel up like notting happend! He bought my book and I got "royaltees," which make Ogre so happy! Dis drow happy wit my book and wit his bonus Gruntpoot and all his frends bought my book and we all have happy times togedder. Yes Ogre like dis drow. He has bootiful hair.

Still iffy on da green eggs and ham, tho.

Aimiably,
Ogre



Dear Ogre,

I am in a dungeon, and I see a large green face carved into the wall. The face has large, staring eyes, horns, and a huge gaping mouth. What should I do? Help me, Ogre--you're my only hope!

Nervously Yours,
Uncle Trapspringer

Dear Uncle,

Hop in! It is door to land of candy and balloon animuls! Green always been Ogre's lucky color, it will work for you too, trust Ogre! Ignore horns--they meen nothing.

Helpfully,
Ogre

(And dat's one less Newbie to pester Ogre. Dat mouth been around since furst edishun and people STILL ask about it? Ogre say Fasepalm!)



Dear Ogre,

What are little girls made of? I've never really seen one up close before, and the curiosity is getting unbearable.

Signed,
S. Quirrel, Lv80 Restoration Druid

Dear Squirrel,

Sugar and spice and good eaten with rice!

Signed,
Ogur

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Ogre,

The fighter in my party won't get out of the way for my lightningbolt! What do I do!

Signed,
Sha-King G. Rasp

Dear Sha-King,

The answer is easy, you shoot it anyways (the metal makes the outside crunchy, but leaves the inside nice and gooey :NAUGHTY

Signed,
Ogre

Dear Ogre,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Signed,
Wise Owl

Dear Wise Owl,
WUN....TU *chomps owl* looks like TU!

signed
Ogre

~~~~~~~~~

Dear Ogre,

I am being chased by a pack of hungry adventurers, claiming I taste sweet and delicious, cooked in many forms and fashions! What do I do!!!

Helplessly signed,
Pix E. Stixx

Dear Pix,

Stop thrashing ... you no marinate good if you not stay still... also, easier to get skewer through non-squirmy pixie!

*goes to build barbecue pit*

Oh yeah...

Luv,
Ogre


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Ogre,

Why do you still live in a cave when, with the real estate market the way it is, you could likely pick up a nice keep, or perhaps a loft above a wizards tower for dirt cheap?

Just wondering,
Gnomes on Homes

Dear Gnomes on Homes,

I tried to get into a nice keep but the value of my current cave has bottomed out. I even did a bunch of home improvements like an automatic mud maker in the den, imported dead creatures on the front landing and new stinging nettles in the yard but so far no takers. Guess I am stuck here.

-Ogre

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Ogre,

I am throwing a party for some hobgoblin friends and need a new recipie for grilling. Any suggestions?

-Kyle the Kobold

dear kobold,
*offers skewered pixie* add marinade with garlic and paprika, cook until smell almost burnt.

hungrily signed,
OGRE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear mistur ogre,

My name is little Timmy Thompson, one day I want to grow up and be as big and strong as you! What can I do to get there?

Timmy T.