So I woke up this morning at some ridiculous hour because my bathroom was on fire (which has little to no bearing on this story other than to indicate just how scattered I was before I even made it out the front door today.)

After averting the latest crisis and recovering from the inability to breath, I did what any sane person would do and headed to the front porch to get some fresh air and further poison myself with a cigarette. I stepped outside, breathed in the crisp pre morning air, and I was immediately assaulted! I screamed like a little girl, much to my own embarrassment, and ran from a large rat like creature that likely had ideas about eating my leg but thankfully violently wounded my hubbies oversized slipper instead.

After bravely throwing the other slipper at its head while standing on the patio chair and yelling for the dog I watched the animal retreat two feet away to my sons John Deere mini gator. Enter the dog. Dog runs onto porch, gives me the why are you standing in that chair like a sissy look and begins to bark at what is now a very unhappy possum. Possum hisses, dog barks, I throw rocks at possum while pleading with it to please exit the vehicle. Dog gets bored runs off and the possum decides its best option is to do what possums do best and play dead. Well now what?! After a full five minutes the possum had still not moved. Did it have a heart attack? Is it ill? Should I poke it? I threw more rocks. Nothing. Well Mr. Possum if you think I’m coming over there to check on you you’re clearly delusional.

A few minutes later I have located the rake and am using it as a long distance poker. After all I can’t just leave a potentially dangerous animal in my sons favorite toy now can I?. Poke? Nada. I inch closer. Poke? Guess what? Mr. Possum is just fine and ready for another go round of hissing and spitting. I do the only logical thing available to me, throw the rake and flee inside. At this point in my morning I’ve decided I’m going back to bed and the possum can have the tractor and the porch too for that matter. So after taping a note on the door for the kids that reads “please use side door there is another possum on the porch” that’s exactly what I did. This is the third time this week a possum has taken up residence on my porch or under my car.

We honestly don’t live in the middle of nowhere, we have five little acres right off the highway in a big city. But we seem to have an overabundance of wildlife around here. Don’t’ get me wrong, the squirrels are cute, the birds are a lovely addition to any morning and the deer are nice too (when they aren’t leaping out in front of our vehicles). But I’m concerned the possums are going to hurt one of the children. Does anyone know of something, anything that might keep them away?!

I'm seriously beginning to think I should hire a park ranger instead of a gardener this year! lol

This had me in stitches... I posted it to facebook.

I have to say while that is exactly what happened and it was soooo not funny at the time the whole house has gotten a good laugh out of it!