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AoGM: A Quest for Panties
Yes you read that right, panties, this whole blog is about my undergarments. Enjoy.
So recently I decided I needed some new panties, this is just something that happens regularly with women, however it is always something I dread. This story is an example of why I dread it.
Let me begin by giving you more information that you probably ever wanted to know about me. I am very picky about my underwear. It has to be cute and it has to be comfortable. Somewhere there is a Venn Diagram showing a small sliver in the middle where all the cute and comfortable underwear lives. Finding that sliver in the real world can be daunting. I have to sort through all the underwear that is completely missing a backside (sorry I spend my days chasing after toddlers, not spinning on a pole, my underwear needs a complete backside to it), covered in lace (that stuff just rips and is completely impractical 80% of the time), or made of some shiny stuff that won’t let my lady parts breathe.
So this time I began my great quest at Target. This seemed to be sensible, there were probably a few pair (hopefully on sale, I hate spending a ton of money on underwear) that lived in the elusive sliver on the Venn. For a moment it seemed like I had lucked out. Right there on the end near the aisle was a whole section of nerd-tastic undergarments. Underwear, bras and a few camisoles all decked out in Batman and Justice League characters! Whoo! They even had back sides and were made of cotton! Score! … well… almost. The Batman collection was cute… but… they were grey and had the Batman logo printed in a bright pink. Gag. Batman does not do pink, even when plastered on my lovely derriere, he does not do pink. I do not understand why some marketing genius felt that I would only wear Batman gear if it came in a ‘girl’ color. If I was actually concerned about ‘girly’ fashion I would steer clear of anything related to Batman in the first place. The rest of the Justice League stuff was equally nauseating, all the pictures were washed out in pastels, and honestly I have never had a great love for Wonder Woman. I know that sounds strange, but it’s true. I have more respect for a super heroine when they wear more clothes (and she has a thing for my guy Batman, and if he ever decided to show some interest in me I would have to kick her little star covered butt… ). So what at first seemed like the greatest find ever turned into a bust.
My second stop sent me in the complete opposite direction, to Vicky’s (or Victoria’s Secret as the rest of the world calls it). I figured that if Target was no good maybe I should try the experts on underwear, a task my husband had no problems allowing me to venture forth on. And as our tiny town has both the Target and the Vicky’s in the same mall it was not hard for me to make that journey. This was also a complete mistake. I was nearly blinded walking in the store! Two out of three of… well everything… was neon. I really do not need my fully covered rear end to glow in the dark, thank you very much. I had also forgotten how completely dysfunctional most of their panties are. Sure they are pretty, the cuts are sexy, the material seductive… but I have two kids already, my days of being seductive were fruitful and now I need something sensible to wear while taking care of them. Bowing my head in defeat I left Vicky’s and began wandering the mall in a haze of disillusionment.
I felt like a character in an MMRPG that had been badly programmed, I was wandering around with a quest in my cache and all the NPC’s kept giving me the same dialogue that failed to get me any closer to the goal.
Then it happened. Suddenly I saw the sign for the ‘Hot Topic’ lit by what seemed like almost heavenly light from above. An almost magic force pulled me into its dark little space where we nerds can always feel at home. Toward the back I finally found what I was looking for. Batman panties. They were cotton, they had a full backside, they were my size, and they were black with real yellow Batman logos scrawled across their surface! To top it off the store was having a BOGO sale, and just beyond this great Holy Grail of mine was a T-shirt with Grimlock on it, which would just make my husband’s day! They were a little more, even with the sale, than I had intended to spend on a single pair of underwear but I could not pass them up. Gleefully I went to the counter and slapped down my plastic of golden credits and purchased them.
Life has been nearly perfect ever since.
posted by Merideth on 3/30/2020 at 11:54:46 AM
I totally tee-heed! And imagined you in your undergarments... cuz I'm naughty like that...
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