What are some of the stupidest things you have ever heard uttered during a game session (in or out of character)?

A thief in the party deciding to open a wall safe.

"I'll open the safe. Then I'll check for traps"

Umm...you found them.

"Jal will try to sneak past the Greens..."

Nighty, night, ya stoopid spellbinder.

From AD&D 1st Edition

DM: You see a tremendous ogre-looking creature with sizeable horns protruding from his forehead and blazing red eyes. Blood colors his lips and large canine teeth. Around him on the ground are the corpses of the good elves of Pentegarn. What do you do?
Player: I will check my sense alignment spell to see if its good or evil.

In the vault of Rydor's flagship temple (quotes are paraphrased):

Me: You enter a room that seems to be filled with regular magical items, however some of them look to be not quite right.

(many of the emit evil auras, bardic lore picks a few out to be cursed items - all the rolls are good except one...)

There is one cloak however that radiates a simple transmutation aura.

Ur-Priest: How strong?

Me: Strong. One of the more powerful auras, someone probably equal in power to you (pointing to the mage).

Ur-Priest: It has to be a conscecrated protection cloak. I put it on.

Me: *face palms* Fort save...

(fails)

You die.

The lesson? Never put something on in a room full of cursed and evil items. It just might be a cloak of poison.

The other lesson? Never put on a consecrated ANYTHING if you're an Ur-Priest. It just might kill you.

You guys are easy to top. I'm just having trouble picking one.... I got it!

We were all pursuing some lost holy items of Torm with a paladin and cleric in the party into a village known to be full of followers of Bane. The bard's instrument had been destroyed and he was pursuing a replacement, which the paladin offered to pay for. The two of them went into the village music shop and when offered multiple instruments at different prices he turned to the paladin and said "Hey Paladin", after which the shopkeeper gave them the instrument for free and rushed off to get the authorities. This ultimately resulted in one dead party member and one naked, beaten, and chucked in an alley.

Nice! You got so many, keep 'em coming!

More? That's easy! That same adventure resulted in more idiocy. The Paladin rushed back to the inn of this predominantly human town (we guessed they used non-humans for slave labor) to tell us what had happened. He sat down at the bar next to my character who was heavily cloaked, turned to him, and says "Hey Elf!". This gave them another target.

...had these people never heard of, I dunno, names?

The G2 module Against the Giants.

The leader of the party decides that he doesn't want to chase around giant after giant through the lair. So he pulls out his horn and blows a challennge as soon as the party is in the first room (withoutt

So all the giants come out for the challenge. I forget what the number was , but I believe they surrendered at as the first 30 showed up.

When asked why he did that, he responded "I didn't think they'd all show up."

This one was me. I was an elf who had denied his heritage and left his village. He met a cleric and a paladin of Torm who turned him into a paladin rather easily. When he made the level of paladin to get a mount he had the plane-surfing wizard of the party to take him to the celestial plane to get a mount. They sat in an empty plane for 3 days. Finally, a celestial horse showed up and looked at him strangely, walking past, turning back and looking at him again. My response?

"Are you my mount?" The damn thing spoke common and I never lived it down.

Wizard's tower + trophy room + pedestal in the center of the room bearing a crystal dragon statue. The ranger in the party has the curiosity of a cat: "Oh! I go take that!" She's turned to stone. The party's cleric turns her back using a scroll. Next floor of the tower, same setup, large ruby on the pedestal. Again, the ranger says, "Oh! Mine!" and rushes over to be turned to stone. Again, the cleric brings her around.

Top floor of the tower: the party encounters a lich. The bard recognizes it for what it is and screams, "Run! Its a Lich!" this is what I'd been counting on, and I'd designed that floor of the tower so that the only exit was hidden once they entered leaving them to run in circles from the pursuing lich. The fighter (played by the veteran gamer) digs in stating, "Its only a lich."

Needless to say, the ranger was turned to stone, the fighter was killed, the bard was knocked unconscious as he flung himself through the exit, the monk was slain...only the rogue and the cleric survived having dusted out as soon as they found the exit. Luckily, the damage to the party was delivered as they were leaping through the exit, and the lich--whom I had already determined was only interested in maintaining his privacy) didn't follow to finish the job. The cleric was able to bring them all back after a time.

Now for one of my own while playing Bromern Sal hired to assassinate a demigod king of Unther:

In the DM's words, "As you enter the room you are nearly blinded by a section blocked off be a curtain of shifting colors."

I correctly deduced that my target was behind said wall, but distracted by my girlfriend at the time playing an assassin in training/love interest for Bromern I failed to deduce one thing.

"I leap through the curtain and release a series of poisoned daggers for an assassination attempt!"

"You leap through the prismatic wall--"

"Yup! Wait!"

Ranger in the party sees a large book under a glass dome sitting on the pedestal.

Ranger: I lift the lid.

DM: green gas escapes, save vs. poison.

Ranger: three.

DM: You Die.

Ranger: Aw Man!

[the party drags his carcass back to town, pays to have him rezzed, almost 5000 gp. They go back.]

DM: You make it back to a room with a familiar large book under a glass dome sitting on the pedestal.

Ranger: I lift the lid.

DM: green gas escapes, save vs. poison.

Ranger: two.

DM: You Die.

Ranger: Aw Man!

Mage: That's it! You are going to get a nice headstone, Mike.


~~~


Fighter: That's crazy! How the heck does he keep living? I've done almost 300 points of damage to him!

DM: Easy... I cheated.

Fighter: Oh, ok then.


~~~

Prince: You mean to say you violated my domain, killed my childe and put all of us at risk being exposed to the mortals?

Gus: I was only trying to help...


~~~


Mastik: The shopkeeper wants to charge me what?! I kill him.

DM: He's blind!

Mastik: He's experience points!

DM: Your god comes down and says, .

~~~

Ranger is crushed by a massive 58 points of damage from a giant's club attack.. she had 33 hp. After the fight...

Dead Ranger: Aren't you going to take my body back to town?

Mage: What? Why? You're tomato paste. We rez you, you'll still be tomato paste, walking around. [mage gets up and starts dancing] Look at me! Tomato Paste Walking around!

That was very funny, probably wasn't as funny written down, but I'm laughing so hard I'm crying just trying to put it down... xD


~~~

After a long game

DM: ...and the dragon lifts up and shouts "I am impressed with your tenacity, human. You have made it to the very heart of my lair. I will grant you one wish."

Mastik: Dude... where's the end of this dungeon?

I was playing a druid and my characters friend was attacked by a dog. I actuly asked this:

Can I cast Animal Friendship on it then kill it?

Player: ... oh, a giant, eh? My final wish is to not take damage from the giant I am about to face. And since I am wearing Armor of Proof Against Metal Weapons, I don't think he'll be able to do much damage, if any ...

DM: Okay. The giant swings his WOODEN Maul of the Titans and does [rolls and adds, using fingers and toes] 72 points damage.

Player: No way! No damage from the giant and no damage from the Maul, I know it's iron-bound!

DM: Umm, the damage isn't from the giant, it's all from the maul which is, I say again, WOODEN. The iron bands don't hit you, the Maul does.

Player: You suck as a DM! You did this just to kill my character! My character turns to leave.

DM: ...And gets attacked from the back for ... forget it. 72 plus whatever over 20 ... he's dead, alright.

Player: No he isn't! ...