You may or may not be aware, but recent times at the Inn have been pretty good to me.  After a literal decade of trying, I actually ran my D&D/horror crossover game to completion - and in the process, experienced likely the very best level of play from my group that I have ever enjoyed.  As a bonus, I even won this year's NFL pick 'em game! 

So what did I do?  I pulled a patented Olan flake out.  Rather than play a cleric in the free form (read: you CANNOT screw this up) spinoff of my game, I... did nothing. 

I did some recruiting for the highly demanded next chapter of my game, got some GREAT responses, then I... did nothing.

Heck, I've had great interest is resuming my Trek game, and few thigns in life give me more joy than Trek.  Things were set up for us to boldly go.  So I... you guess it, did nothing.

Yes, work has been busy.  Yes, I anticipated a break due to the holidays.  But It's February, and I'm still doing nothing.  Why?

Warning: heavy stuff incoming.  Feel free to check out now, no harm no foul.  I've shared some of this with a couple of close people, but I think that it's time for me to just air my dirty laundry to the world.

This isn't new for me.  Why has the Inn never grown to what it's capable of?  Easy - the answer is me. 

I flake out.  I disappear for weeks, months.  I come back for a bit, start to get involved, then disappear again. 

Here's the truth of it - I suffer from depression.  I don't know why.  My life is pretty good.  I have a wonderful family.  I'm mostly healthy.  I enjoy a lot of good things.  I don't have any excuse to be sad, not really.

But I go through spells of barely wanting to get out of bed.  I lose excitement and enjoyment for things that legitimately give me pleasure. I cannot seem to find the motivation to do anything. I know that lets people down, and I feel worse about it.

There are days that I just want to sit and do nothing, or even cry.  I'm a grown man, and I cry while driving to and from work sometimes.  For no reason at all.  How pathetic is that?

I have time and time and time again fought to man up, to pull myself up by my bootstraps, to just put one foot in front of the other and eventually find the other side of the current valley.  And while I always do find the other side, it feels like there are more valleys in recent years, that the plateaus just aren't as high as they once were. 

To top it all off, I'll be 44 in a week, and I'm doing self inventory, berating myself for still struggling so much in day to day life, for not succeeding more in life.  I.e. I'm probably having a touch of a cliche mid life crisis. 

I know.  Poor pitiful me. 

My wife and I have talked about this a lot.  These months, these years are going to go by whether I figure this out of not.  How much more time do I have to waste before I take action?

So for the first time in my life, I've sought actual treatment for this issue.  Right now, I'm just taking St. John's Wort - which I've learned has had real success in clinical trials, is actually prescribed as an antidepressant in Europe (is the most prescribed antidepressant in Germany).  I'm giving it eight weeks, and if things don't get better, I'll see about prescription drugs.  Maybe some therapy... maybe I should seek that regardless.

But anyway, if you're wondering where I've been, or why I've been so frustratingly silent, there you go.  I am legitimately sorry for not being more present, more active.  All I can say is that I'm trying to do better. 

Thanks so much for being open like this, Olan. It's not the easiest thing to share personal struggles, but I applaud you for sharing. Please don't berate yourself for taking the time and steps you need; mental health is very much a journey and one that is unique to everyone.

I'm really happy to be a part of your wonderful site and am very looking forward to playing in your game, but I hope you take care of yourself first above it all.

I myself was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a little over three years ago. My journey was hard-fought but I came out the other side better, as I truly hope will be the outcome for you.

Don't beat yourself up, man! Life happens, you know? Ups and downs, ins and outs. Pretty sure that all of us have been there, in one way or another, before.

Do we miss you when you're not around? Sure! Do we worry about you? Absolutely! But we do understand, my firend, and we don't hold the "flake outs" against you. You and I have talked about this "off line" so I'm not gonna rehash all of that, here. Just wanted to pop in, reaffirm everything I've said to you in those conversations, and wish you all the best!

Glad you're taking those steps, brother. We're all pulling for you and, I'm sure, here for you if you need to lean on us at any time. 

It's not about strength that one can fall. The darkness in the mind is indefinite, deep or shallow as the case may be, more so when there seems no reason for it to be there.

It eats at the resolve, eats at energy, eats at life. 

That it happens to you is no fault of your own. It is something to learn about, and gradually find your footing to work around. 

Your foe is a difficult one. Don't understate yourself for persevering, for doing what you can. Even when what you can is not what you want it to be, at present. 

Please take care, okay? 

Thanks for touching base with us Olan. I second and third everything everyone else has said, and everything I said outside of this post. Our brains can be fickle creatures sometimes, and I wish you all the luck in finding the treatment that works best for you and yours. We're all in your corner, friend!

Thanks for the kind words.  In general... I'm just sorry.

Olan it's all good I've been there over the course of everything so I know the toll it can take from us. I've been to therapy I also take medicine to combat depression, seizures, high blood pressure, and they do help. People will say all this makes us weak and I so no it makes us stronger for having gone through it and be willing to talk about it.

Olan my friend you have always been someone I greatly admire for creating the Inn and giving me a home when I so desperately needed one. In all truth if not for the Inn giving me that needed spark after my brain surgery I very well might not be here today. No matter what I've got your six

Me. Not rehashing what we've talked about off-line too. Still, you've got to take care of yourself and no one is going to hold it against you when you do. If you need an ear, I've got a string of orc ears lying about somewhere (seriously, just drop me a line).

It's okay to cry and it's okay lounge around all day and do nothing, if that's what you need. I've done the same and the people in my life who have depression too do the same (Just don't make a habit of it!). The whole boot-straps mentality isn't great, no one can tackle such a beastly thing as your own self-depreciation alone. You need your family and friends and they can pick you up when you need it, no one can pick themselves up by their own straps! I'm happy you're seeking treatment, baby steps at a time lead to greater strides later in life. The hardest part will be follow through as something new you hope will help may not kick in right away or be the correct dosage. My only advice is to keep at it and keep the thought that something will help, you just may not have found the right thing yet.

Your website has been an on and off again source of entertainment for me for 17 years now,  from 12 to 29. That's such a cool thought to me, thank you for that! Just know on the days you're down that people online and offline both are rooitng for you, and you've done more for many many people than you'll ever realize!!