It spits out an autographed picture of Sting dressed in a diaper while singing "message in a bottle" and drinking a Budweiser




I feed it the Osmonds Definitive Collection

It spits it back out with a nasty letter of complaint. It seems even demonic vending machines don't even want the Osmonds.

I feed it a pair of "Nocs" and a few "stalone cuts".

It spits out a gigantic spongy orange question mark.

I feed it three computer monitors from like 1995 that I have sitting in my basement.

It spits out the best damn Transformer you've ever seen.


I feed it the number "4"

It spits out a pair of "2"s

I feed it the glue stick I found on my desk in Social that I had to reluctantly return to the teacher's desk. Never shall she see that glue stick again.

You hear gears begin to whine and squeek. The entire machine shudders and then stops all together. After a moment smoke starts to swirl out of the DVM (Demonic Vending Machine)'s input slot. Within 10 minutes the door swings open and an man comes in. He walks up to the smoking machine and then turns to stare at you. He seems very dissapointed but decides not to say anything. Instead he leave and in just a moment comes back in wheeling a completely new DVM. Within a short time he switches the DVM on with a switch that doesn't actually seem to be there. Humming to life it awaits someone to input a new item.

Congrats, for your glue stick you got a new DVM.

I input a can of creme corn and the pipe used to hit a famous skater in the knee.

... it spits out the Soundtrack to 'O Brother Where Art Thou' by Joel Coen.

I input a copy of the AD&D 2ed Edition book.

...a shredded copy of 2e D&D and a $5-off coupon for 4e.


I feed it the Mages of the Shoreline.

An elderly mage, complete with the long white beard and pointy hat, wearing a bikini and looking very embarrassed.

I feed it a box of plastic spoons.

it chokes up a complete picnic including the ants.
(don't eat the green potato salad)



I feed it every password for every password protected site I visit along with a can of Salmon & Shrimp Fancy Feast cat food (the grilled type)

Spits out a porn star named Pinky covered in a nice spicy apricot glaze and a sword with a name that is currently unknown. (lol)

I input a cheese grater and a magnet that is strong enough to lift cars.

Optimus Prime comes out and shoots your pornstar to bits.


I feed in candy.

It spits me out
::shakes off the saliva::


I feed it Grugg's orange hat

It spits it right back out into my hands like a good machine should.


I feed it itself.

It sucks itself in but doesn't stop there. In fact, it sucks in everything that currently exists and transports us to a new dimention filled with exactly everything that currently exists in the same spot that it was in before the move. Kinda like moving into a house that is exactly like yours... only in this the street is the same as well as the universe.

So the only real question is where is all that stuff we put in? Why the machine spit it out where we Were, into our old dimention.

I feed it some fingernail clippings and a copy of the 1969 New York times.