Topic: What is the issue with Olan?
Subject: What is the issue with Olan?
You may or may not be aware, but recent times at the Inn have been pretty good to me. After a literal decade of trying, I actually ran my D&D/horror crossover game to completion - and in the process, experienced likely the very best level of play from my group that I have ever enjoyed. As a bonus, I even won this year's NFL pick 'em game!
So what did I do? I pulled a patented Olan flake out. Rather than play a cleric in the free form (read: you CANNOT screw this up) spinoff of my game, I... did nothing.
I did some recruiting for the highly demanded next chapter of my game, got some GREAT responses, then I... did nothing.
Heck, I've had great interest is resuming my Trek game, and few thigns in life give me more joy than Trek. Things were set up for us to boldly go. So I... you guess it, did nothing.
Yes, work has been busy. Yes, I anticipated a break due to the holidays. But It's February, and I'm still doing nothing. Why?
Warning: heavy stuff incoming. Feel free to check out now, no harm no foul. I've shared some of this with a couple of close people, but I think that it's time for me to just air my dirty laundry to the world.
This isn't new for me. Why has the Inn never grown to what it's capable of? Easy - the answer is me.
I flake out. I disappear for weeks, months. I come back for a bit, start to get involved, then disappear again.
Here's the truth of it - I suffer from depression. I don't know why. My life is pretty good. I have a wonderful family. I'm mostly healthy. I enjoy a lot of good things. I don't have any excuse to be sad, not really.
But I go through spells of barely wanting to get out of bed. I lose excitement and enjoyment for things that legitimately give me pleasure. I cannot seem to find the motivation to do anything. I know that lets people down, and I feel worse about it.
There are days that I just want to sit and do nothing, or even cry. I'm a grown man, and I cry while driving to and from work sometimes. For no reason at all. How pathetic is that?
I have time and time and time again fought to man up, to pull myself up by my bootstraps, to just put one foot in front of the other and eventually find the other side of the current valley. And while I always do find the other side, it feels like there are more valleys in recent years, that the plateaus just aren't as high as they once were.
To top it all off, I'll be 44 in a week, and I'm doing self inventory, berating myself for still struggling so much in day to day life, for not succeeding more in life. I.e. I'm probably having a touch of a cliche mid life crisis.
I know. Poor pitiful me.
My wife and I have talked about this a lot. These months, these years are going to go by whether I figure this out of not. How much more time do I have to waste before I take action?
So for the first time in my life, I've sought actual treatment for this issue. Right now, I'm just taking St. John's Wort - which I've learned has had real success in clinical trials, is actually prescribed as an antidepressant in Europe (is the most prescribed antidepressant in Germany). I'm giving it eight weeks, and if things don't get better, I'll see about prescription drugs. Maybe some therapy... maybe I should seek that regardless.
But anyway, if you're wondering where I've been, or why I've been so frustratingly silent, there you go. I am legitimately sorry for not being more present, more active. All I can say is that I'm trying to do better.
Posted on 2020-02-03 at 12:28:46.
Edited on 2020-02-03 at 12:50:37 by t_catt11